Monday, August 12, 2013

Gotta have my weekends

I'm striving to find balance in my life. There used to be a time when I would use Saturday and Sunday doing research or drafting for an accidental client, think about what I need to next or stress about my non profit work and all the ways I have to make things come together. My friends would mock me that me and my phone have become inseparable.  The blinking light in my pocket always forced me to pull my BlackBerry out and look at the screen. It wasn't so much an addiction as a great deal of stress. The fear of being behind on my work, but also of whatever bad news I have to read about this time. Concern for my friends who may be in trouble, but also clients who don't understand some things and need explanations and also opposing attorneys who feel they need to play tough when talking to me. I can wind myself up and stress about everything that may happen and that's the way I've been ever since I was a child. When I was in school, I'd wake up in the middle of the night with a nightmare of a test I didn't prepare for or an assignment I've forgotten. A lot of times, my worrying mind would worry about something- not even something specific- just this nagging feeling I'd have that there's something I'm forgetting. Yes, I've always put myself  under a great deal of stress, but it's not like the outside world is making it easy on me. I've realized that I may need to rethink this when I was watching a play on my birthday but still looking on my phone to make sure everyone and everything was fine. A friend of mine was a stage manager for the production and she noticed it, jokingly pointing it out. And she was right. If I constantly stress, think and worry- I never rest. Yes, I can't just turn off my brain. And yes, there are people and things I need to get to. But after a really long email exchange with a client on a Friday night who felt they can hire me and control me, I've said to myself, I don't work on weekends. This ends now. It may be that I'm still overjoyed by the amazing performances of the cast of Avenue Q. Something happened to me recently, but I feel happy again- very creative and inspired. So I told myself- this type of crazy behavior ends now. Yes, I need money. But I also need sanity. And friends I can actually enjoy spending time with. Whatever it is- it can way 'till Monday. And yes, I care too much. A lot of my projects feel very personal to me, with my hopes and dreams connected to them. But at some point I've got to find some perspective or it will drive me insane. And what better place to do it in Gainesville? Where else can I get a friend who says: I've written a play with a character based on you. Would you be in my show? Or have a brain storming session  over drinks about an original musical involving puppets. It could be the heatwave but it feels like life is good.

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