Sunday, August 12, 2018

Blind rage

I've gotten more and more experienced in the delicate art of the legal profession over the last year or two. I do enjoy an occasional vocal sparring if you will in front of a judge. Thinking on your feet, figuring out a good comeback, using the power and persuasion more so than trading jabs, which also has happened on occasion. What's more important- when I'm in that zone we are equals and I can keep up with anyone. Underestimate me at your own peril. Yet, last night, a situation all too familiar and all too frequent, happened again. A college kid with a baseball cap on, coming from the same apartment complex I live in asked me if I needed any money. I guess in his mind he was doing a good thing, but I worked myself into a range. My voice was shaky, I couldn't really get the words out, I remember saying something about being a lawyer, there were so many good comebacks I could  have said but didn't. I felt really offended and shaken. A horrible feeling took over my body like I was stricken by something. What is it about me that made him think I was homeless? I was coming from my apartment after taking a bath to throw out one of the boxes that amazon continues to bring but never seems to take back.  What is it about me that made me react the way that I did, why did I let it control me, where did all my wit go at that instant moment. I guess it's because what he was really communicating is that he was better than me. And giving me money would have made him feel better about himself. It's not a new situation. It has happened before. And it still hurts. Because no matter what I accomplish and how far I go there will be people who will think that when they see me in my wheelchair. And there's little I can do do change what people think and feel. And pity to me is the worst emotion you can express to another human being.  Whenever I catch myself thinking, why do I devote so much time to Florida Disability Access and Awareness Foundation and is it really needed, I remind myself, this is why. I need to be the change I want to affect, so I don't have to be angry at the world anymore.