Routine

During my time at the Peto institute in Hungary all my weekdays looked pretty much the same. My daily schedule was divided into blocks of exercises that would always come at the same time. You knew what to expect, what would happen next. There was some comfort in the routine, because all I had to focus om was the moment.  The exercises  themselves followed a script,  a sequence we all knew very well. Every day we would have meals at preset times that followed a certain daily procedure that led us to the table. It felt like there was a purpose behind it, that the goal was to do the work and "get better" whatever that may mean to you. With purpose and optimism there was no need to question or worry about the future. And I guess that is what I miss about it: predictability. I often complain that I'm not spontaneous enough. How I like meeting new people that take me out of my routine that often bores me. But I always have a routine to fall back on. In my had I always make plans and lists. I never play it by ear. I stress a lot and knowing what, how and when will happen gives me a bit of comfort. If I'm in court I rehearse, repeat and repeat. i remember how for my trial practice class I would just say my opening and closing arguments over and over in the bathroom to the mirror. Not because I was planning to deliver the speech in its entirety. But with repetition no matter how I needed to adjust I always knew how the different elements went together and transition into each other. If there's a new place I need to get to and I'm not familiar with the route I always try to have a practice run. So I know what to expect. If I go to a party, I figure out when to leave before I'm even there or I secure a ride. I know a lot of my friends are not like there. I remember I went to a classical concert with someone just a few months before I left Poland and they were charged with taking me home, as i took a paratransit to get there. I was kind of surprised when to my queries about what time should we leave and how we get there the answers were more in the lines of when we're ready and we'll figure it out. A lot of my American friends are similar- Josh would always say we'll see what happens and react to the changing circumstances as they unfold. Sometimes we'd find me a ride home at the very last minute or a random friend picked up the phone. It may be more relaxed for some people to just go with the flow and look for solutions only as they have to. I'm talking to a client at 11 and even right now my mind wanders off to think at what time to get up, what to wear and what to eat. I tell myself: It's hard enough with a disability, so I can't risk it and have to give myself the edge.  But I can't help wondering- Is it the years of rehabilitation that conditioned me to seek patterns to follow or is it my fear of the unknown.