Loss

There's not a good way to say this. On Tuesday my father has passed away. The reality of it all is still sinking in. I suspect it will take my a long time to fully process what happened. I did not expect to be hit by this profound sense of loss right away. A feeling in the back of my mind that nothing will ever be the same, that nothing will be OK again. The idea that no matter what I do he will not be there for me anymore is foreign and strange. Although I have not lived in the same country as my parents for the past eleven year, their presence was always felt in everything that I've done. They're the quiet voices of judgment and encouragement in my head. Over the last week I've had emotional spells and times that I felt at peace. There were moments were I forgot about it and then I remembered  again. Times when I felt focused enough to work and when I drifted away during a conversation. Today I feel mostly tired. If it's this difficult on me here in America, I can't even imagine what it's like on my mom and brother. It just doesn't seem real. And then it is all too real. I've written time and time again about the role my  parents had on combating my disability and shaping my independence. I have my dad's beer-coloured eyes and his risque sense of humor. I hope I've made him proud. During this difficult time for me and my family, I hope you can understand that as much I try to get back to the swing of things it will take a while to be a 100%.  Check back this space and don't be afraid to reach out to see how I'm doing