Man in the mirror

I hate watching myself on video. In any recording I don't recognize the man I see and know from the mirror.  I guess it's true that a camera adds ten pounds. My face is rounder and I look heavier. There's a strange intensity in it that make it seem strained when I speak. I look angry or sad, especially when I'm tired or nervous. What's wrong with my eyes? My voice sounds different than I hear it in head. I like to think it's just one of those things I take after my mother, you can barely recognize her on the phone. Whose facial expressions are these? My spasticity is far more visible that I give it credit for every day. I look swollen, I really want go back and correct my posture and how could I leave the house with that hair. And yet, pushing for disability causes requires me to be public to an extent and come to terms with the fact that I how I see myself and how  others see me may be completely different things. Being public requires me to come to terms with how I come across. I guess we all think of ourselves as smart or fun or articulate or attractive to a degree. I may have a disability, but in my mind I see myself as everybody else. When I was younger, this external, unbiased look felt difficult to accept. Now I just say to myself: This is me. I can't do anything about it and I don't have the time or the energy to deal with silly small issues. For a few days journalism students were following me around Gainesville and did a swell job chronicling my life story. And I could spend days picking apart what I don't like about my look or I can focus on the message and ways I want to help the disability community. Sometimes we need to get over ourselves

Hippodrome: Old buildings and wheelchairs

I live next to a theater that puts on stage shows as well as play movies. It's an old post office building that is now famous for indie and European cinema and small cast musicals and dramas. I'm there quite often, not only because it's the source of entertainment closest to my apartment, I also enjoy experiencing something different. I try to never miss a play, in fact I'm an annual subscriber. Every Wednesday I buy a ticket for the film, regardless what is: documentary, foreign or one of those features that seem to end in the middle of a scene. But a building like this, as historic and atmospheric it may be. has a number of accessibility issues of its own. The biggest problem I've discovered so far was the restroom. When nature called I discovered there were no grab bars in the cabins and just like back home I had to manage leaning against walls and looking onto the toilet base for support. You never know when years of Conductive Education that taught me to adapt and use the functionality of my body come handy. Then I learnt that there are wheelchair accessible toilets in the building- in the ladies' room apparently.  I was so told. I wouldn't know- I'm not a woman and there is nothing that would inform me about it in the men's room. A really tight manual elevator takes me to the main stage floor. It's one of those stylish old things you see in the movies.The attendant  has to align it perfectly with the floor level. Sometimes this involves going up and down multiple times often with the production just about to start. The audience is sited around the stage, from three sides. When the floor manager knows I'll be watching the play he or she removes a regular chair in the front row and I simply roll into that spot. Last week my arrival somehow wasn't noted in their system so it delayed things a bit. Trust me, it's not a good feeling when everyone is waiting on you to arrive. So many things are involved with the mechanics of accommodating a wheelchair especially in a building as old as this. People who walk don't even realize how many people are involved so I can have this experience while they simply go up the stairs.  It starts with the ramp outside, not only because of how steep it is but also given that local bikers have been using the bars on the side to secure their two-wheels. It's often scary and dangerous when the handle bars stick out into the ramp area, as I go down trying to squeeze myself through the opening and I've written about it before.

Could it be that solution is as simple as letting people know? The Hippodrome put  a piece of paper saying " Handicapped ramp Do not block with bikes" on the grab bars. Nothing fancy, yet when I was there it seemed to have worked. There was no bike in sight. No one was threatened with a law suit or fined. Nobody was towed away. All it took was a printed warning. And the box office clerk said they have a few spares just in case. The message is simple:"This is not for you". And so far it gets through. Maybe people just need to understand.   As I was going home with my new found faith and hope for humanity, two bikes were blocking the concrete path to my apartment.

Old buildings are difficult to deal with when it comes to making them wheelchair accessible. And quite honestly a lot of places in New York or DC don't bother. At least I can get in.  At least they try. I remember times in Poland when going to see a play or a movie presented a big challenge.  My dad had to pull me up with the  chair or carry me up the stairs on those few occasions we decided to go. As long as I'm in, compared to this I can deal with anything

Disability and me: Who I am

I could never match the expectations people have when they meet me. Quite honestly I have long stopped trying to. The image that they have when they hear or learn about me is never the complete picture and for many it is a problem. You learn about my disability, my wheelchair, my struggles, my fight and my plight, you focus on one aspect of me and you figure you know what I'm all about. I found it strange, but painfully reminded of it in this election cycle as well, how we choose to reduce others to those one or two things that they are like they are poster children for causes. We assume we know what it's like to be other people, how they should feel, what they should stand for and what should matter to them most. I've dealt with a lot of serious issues in my time. Life with disability is no laughing matter. I've faced surgeries, pain, self doubt and exclusion. Since I moved to America, I've dealt with a lot of rejection, misunderstanding and  neglect. I've fought for disability awareness, accessibility and things like my own law school and immigration. And I do think about those things plenty, I tend to over-analyze and I share my experiences on my blog. Before that I've had stories written about me in the local press. None of it is manufactured and I have a lot of passion for things that matter to me most, but there's more to me. And I've had people meeting me over coffee because they felt inspired by something I have said and written wanting to get to know me, leaving disappointing.

They were expecting to see a hero, a champion of human rights and all they get is me. The idea is is that I always am this highly focused, deep thinking intellectual, branded by life experiences like some form of otherworldly being. Someone sad, somebody serious, broken perhaps? Sometimes you can just see I'm not who they've hoped to meet.Many times I've been told by people they expected me to be different. That's why I don't even meet people excited to meet this media persona based on me anymore. In one way or another, if you think that's all there is to me, you're bound to be disappointed. And I don't think it's fair to put that burden on me.  If I can make you understand disability, I will do it but it is not my job to live up to anybody's expectations and it's not my fault if you don't like what you see. The truth is, I have a wicked sense of humor and I like having fun. I'm sarcastic and I take after my dad. Back in Poland he had a very risque way he would joke and when I first got here I found I'm very much like him to my own surprise. I've had to tone it down since. Humor to me is the most basic way I relate to people. Think about it. What an awful existence it would be if I just contemplated Cerebral Palsy and how I'm excluded from the world on daily basis. I'm not good at forcing conversation and I don't feel well around those who are square.

Having said that I'm serious and driven when I work and I always try to be respectful and mindful. Back in the law school I used to dye my hair blond and my mother would be concerned about my image. And to an extent she has a point. But if someone is not going to hire me or not like how I come across it will not be about my hair color or if I shaved that day or if I wore a tie that day honestly. Because I'm already different and I stick out. And I don't want to go through life apologizing for who I am or that I'm not as you pictured me to be.

Gloves

People always ask me: "Why are you wearing gloves?" That's the one accessory you will never see me leave the house without. If I cannot find a pair that matches and I'm in a real hurry, I just grab whatever right and left ones in seemingly good shape I can find. I use them for protection as I roll. It's sounds like a very obvious thing to say, but I subject my hands to a lot everyday. Over the years I've had to give up on my dream of becoming a hand model (kidding of course) as calluses and corns formed everywhere. Even before I finally settled in a wheelchair many years of walking with sticks in legbraces caused me to develop some really hard skin on my palms. At the age of 10 my hand felt so rough to the touch as if I worked at a coal mine all day. Before I wore gloves, I would irritate or cut my hands from either grabbing the bar while the wheels are rolling or the continuous friction. They would turn red, sometimes bleed from the constant exposure to the tire. When I go up a hill, I push hard and grip tightly, when I go down I pull the wheels with my hands to slow it down. My right hand, the one that is more affected by my disability, is probably not aligned properly to come in contact  less. I used to wear biking gloves. But if I didn't place the fingers correctly I'd end up hurting and whatever parts of my hand would stick out were getting dirty. I needed a full glove, and none of the ones on the market today last me very long. But I manage with what I have. Gloves became a regular part of my wardrobe and my mom sends me some of the fancier types from Poland. You wear them like other people do shoes, she says- they need to be presentable. But then nobody goes through a pair of shoes every 6 to 8 weeks. They tear usually under the thumb which is where I push onto the wheel the hardest. A little worn out area that just gets bigger until my skin is seen through a hole. Sometimes, because of the hot and humid weather the inner material reacts with my sweat and leaves a residue. On other occasions they just split at the seams. Football gloves, batting, climbing gloves were never designed to sustain such repeated abuse. Even the advertised Four season wheelchair gloves didn't last me a full one. There are pairs that I use on special occasions that fit with particular outfit. The ones golfers use are too delicate to roll outside, but they are white and clean and feel appropriate with a suit.  The right ones I ruin quickly,  the left ones I typically lose. Left hand is the one I usually do things with so I take gloves off for comfort and better precision. The thicker ones sometimes give me a better grip, but are much hotter to wear and feel clumsy. Every new type, every new thickness takes some time getting used to  As I sweat and they get dirty I need to wash them, which is not the best thing to do if they are leather.  .After I do many of them, irrespective of the material feel different. Tighter and harder. I have a box of gloves in my living room that either have a hole in them or  missing the pair. Yes, because of that my friends have called me Michael Jackson before. But you can never understand what my hands go through without looking at the gloves I'm wearing. When somebody asks me why I do I ask them to take a look at how tor and splitting they are and imagine they are  my hands

Disability and doubt:"You're a real attorney?"

Some friends of mine seem to be really impressed with the fact that I'm an attorney and often use it as a conversation piece even if I'm nowhere near. A couple times I walked into an ongoing discussion only to learn that my name was already brought up and somebody was waiting to introduce me to their circle. Many people often didn't believe me until I give them my card, as if it's seeing it printed, using the most generic template from an online service made it official. A few Saturdays ago I was having a fun karaoke night at a bar  with a couple of drinks while my friends decided to smoke outside. When I went out to check on them introductions begun. He doesn't believe you a real attorney- said my friend a bit frustration, pointing at a man she just man. I didn't care- I was wearing a T-shirt and jeans, I've had a drink or two. I wasn't looking very lawyer-like: no pulled back gelled up  hair or a suit. I wasn't too upset, even if he didn't believe me, I was hoping for a fun night to relax. I wasn't planning on being professional that night. But then I gave him my card, which I use to advertise my blog rather than a law practice and he was really impressed.  I guess it's a well spent 12 dollars (printed front and back) My friends were the ones annoyed, as if I was insulted and they were fighting for my honor. Yes, some of it has to do with be being in a wheelchair, but the more you do it, the less you care what people think. I'm a lawyer because that's my profession. I don't do it as a gimmick or to impress people. I don't need to prove my worth. I worked really hard to get my three law degrees from two countries. Later, many weeks spent on crunching for the Bar exam. Blood sweat and tears if you will to have me license to practice in two American jurisdiction. For me it's a natural consequence of everything I put into this. I didn't just land on my lap, I'm hardly an overnight sensation.

Many years of pushing and fighting with a lot of people doubting if I can do it. Because I'm in a wheelchair, because I'm from Poland. I used to think that it would make me feel so good to show all the nonbelievers  what I have accomplished and how their negativity only fueled me to worked harder. That one day I would say, I'm vindicated and I have arrived, what so you say now? But I don't feel different. Not in the way that makes you get back at people. I'm educated, I'm trained, more knowledgeable, I have better perspectives but being a lawyer is what I do, it doesn't transform me into a different person. One of the things that UF students interviewing me for their journalism project asked me was: Do people that used to dismiss me treat me different now that I'm a lawyer? And the truth is you see it in their eyes. How they go from feeling better than you, because the first thing they see is a wheelchair, to impressed and wanting to hear more. "You're an attorney? A Real attorney"-they say as if there is any other kind. One woman even declared she'll make sure I am by researching me with a Florida Bar. If I pretended to be one I'd be in trouble because unauthorized practice of law is a crime. But I don't practice law to get attention. And I think every person has worth and every profession has a reason. I have friends who are clerks, masseurs, bartenders, waiters, mechanics, artists, actors among others and I don't really understand why some people think I'm allowed to feel better than anyone. And would I chase down the people who were once dismissive to say: Look at me know? Why would I care?

American politics.

Let me tell you a secret- no matter who wins the American presidential election the world will not end. Regardless of what is being said right now, with either Obama or Romney we should not expect any major shift in governmental policies. Yes, the country may shift slightly to the left or right, highlight some issues over other, but nothing drastic is ever happening in spite of the political background of the person in office. One thing that I've always admired in American politics as changes at the helm happen is this overall sense of continuity. And one thing I've always found amazing is that no matter how cut throat both politicians may be and however trying to appease their base they always seem to gravitate to the center a bit once elected on their harshest ideas. I don't get to vote in these elections. I will just be affected by the outcome. For now, media try to build it up as " a really big deal", all my friends take it really personally, some attack each other and defriend on Facebook as if the morning after one is picked over the other we were to wake up in some entirely different world. Some claim to plan to leave the country after Obama is elected. A drunk student on a bus was telling me that  he's moving abroad if Romney gets the job.  How will it affect everyone's everyday life? Chances are, not so much. Is it worth losing a friend over? Can you undo the hurt and unspeak the words spoken? Four years ago, my black Republican friend told me he would vote for Obama. And I couldn't understand it. 'Watch and see- he said- there's not much difference between McCain and Obama". And to an extent he was right. The president continued some of his predecessors politics, kept Guantanamo Bay open, though he said he wouldn't and got US involved in a few fresh military conflicts right after winning the Nobel Peace Prize.  He was firmer on immigration than a lot of his predecessors, which typically is part of the  Republican platform. Not only do I mean deportation statistics  but policy and paperwork that universities dealing with international  students now produce.Within the two party system there's not only no room for fresh ideas, as they become more and more a like, but each include supporters with views that often differ more within one party than between moderates across the isle. Having only two candidates not only means that you will never find one that matches your world view exactly, but also that you need to prioritize issues that are important to you and compromise on others. Do you care more about low taxes, gay marriage or abortion? And if you care about all those issues can the other candidate hurt them less within the likely tools at his disposal.

A recent Warsaw Business Journal poll shows that only 38% of Polish people approve of Barack Obama. They will of course not be electing the American president so you can dismiss that statistic as irrelevant. I'm a Pole and it matters to me. And I think it signals a problem for the US in the international arena. American presidents have long showed very little understanding of Europe's history, protocol and customs, but maybe don't have have to- across the pond they live in their own universe. I guess USA is a big and powerful country matters regardless of how little regard it has for its faithful allies. Barack Obama scrapped the Bush planned missile shield in Poland, which was intended to provide us additional security. As a country squeezed in between Germany and Russia for centuries craving any additional ounce of security we can get. He didn't visit my homeland until much later in his presidency, which in diplomatic circles was read as high disregard. In turn, Lech Walesa, the legendary leader of Solidarity refused to meet with him. He also called Auschwitz a Polish deathcamp, all while presenting a World War II survivor with a medal. Media and politicians demanded an apology, which the President has yet to make. I think he just doesn't understand the gravity of his words and that Polish government devoted significant resources into tracking and correcting false accounts of WWII history, linking Poland to Nazi Germany, lumping the victim and aggressor together. But then, my Republican friends  don't understand what the big deal is either. Must be an American thing. They also were surprised with the outrage at Michelle Obama for putting her arm around the British Queen, which was not something the protocol allowed.  Mitt Romney has problems of his own. He visited Poland on the other hand prematurely, before elected, part of this campaign. He's not a head of state, yet he gets other countries involved in his internal, American affairs. And he used Lech Walesa for a photo op. Barack Obama last time around was also visiting places in Europe to get a campaign boost making other governments quite uncomfortable.  The funny thing is, Obama is attacking Romney for his international gaffes while having a share of his own.

Obama is not that liberal, Romney isn't that conservative. When he came out in support of gay marriage, the President felt very uncomfortable about it, as if the statement was forced out of him. For most of his career Mitt Romney was running as a socially liberal Republican. In his debate with Ted Kennedy he famously identified himself as further on the left than he was on gay rights. Now he seems to run not so much against Obama, but his former self. In a series of ad campaigns for Barack Obama, I've heard that Mitt Romney wants to overturn Roe v. Wade, and take away women's  right to choose. I'm surprised, that Obama, a former constitutional law professor would ever allow such nonsense in his campaign. It implies that overturning abortion rights would be easy and in president's power to do. The statement was lifted from a point that Romney made in 2007 saying that if presented, he would sign a bill limiting abortion rights. That is surprising as well, given that the challenger received a juris doctor, so he must understand that bill that "overturns" Roe v. Wade faces constitutionality issues after he signs it. One thing he didn't say he would do is actively pursuing undoing  that holding. He didn't say he wants a Constitutional Amendment that would prohibit abortion (and he would never get the required majority), or that he would replace Supreme Court Justices to vote accordingly if such issue  ever reappeared before the Court. I can't even think of a scenario where somebody sues and meets all the legal requirements of a proper case for someone having a right to abortion. The Court rarely simply reversed itself at when it did it was mostly in support of individual rights not against it.Besides: The beauty of the Supreme Court is this: You can't predict how the justices will vote regardless of who picked them, some of the Reagan and Bush nominees proved more moderate than expected. I guess you could eliminate funding or slow down procedures if you really wanted to, but Romney never said he would. The other argument that I hear a lot is him reinstating the Clinton era "Don't ask Don't tell" policy, which because it was done via executive order he could technically do. The approach promoted gay servicemen to keep their sexuality hidden otherwise they'd face dismissal. I can see the cavalcade of law suits from men and women in duty who came out with former administration's blessing only to be dismissed under Romney. People's lives and interests would be hurt. You can't undo it, once you did it.

A lot of things being said and done with one purpose only. To have voters come out, to have them excited, to have them turn up. For Democrats it's: they're taking away our civil rights! For Republicans it's: they're disposing of our morals, taking our property! While it's unlikely people switch sides, if they don't see in them men of principle , they simply stay at home. Whoever wins will be charged with the mission of uniting Americans under one leadership. Because if there's one thing they're capable of doing it's standing behind the President. They argue and fight now. Yet the day after election, all will be back to normal.

c

Gainesville accessibility stories

Since I wrote about the biker behavior in Gainesville few things have changed. They still block wheelchair ramps and lock their wheels to just about anything in sight that resembles a railing. The Hippodrome Theatre, which I wrote about in the opinion piece published by the Sun decided to put an engraved plaque with a warning that the locks on any bike tied to either side of the wheelchair ramp will be cut. It doesn't mean that people pay any attention to it or that any locks actually got cut. All it means is that there is a sign. It's amazing to me how I can go there every week for my Wednesday serving of alternative cinema and I'll find more bikes piled up on each side of the ramp, on the inside and outside of it than there are people watching the movie. They're not here to get any kind of culture- they tie their bikes and skip over to a trendy hipster restaurant Boca Fiesta a few steps away.It gets dangerous- even if the bike is tied to the outside of the ramp the pedals and handle are still sticking in, meaning they take up space and I can get stuck or hurt by them, especially going down.But one thing has changed. The young crew working at the box gets really upset when people leave their bikes like that without a care. They know me, they see me every week and they see how the ramp serves a purpose. Blocking it becomes a real problem for a person with a name and a face. It's not an empty rule- it's my safety and my access that's at stake here. A week ago, the creativity of bikers with new ways to obstruct my path reached new highs- or should I say in this case- new lows. Someone decided to tie their bikes almost standing up, with the front wheel reaching over the railing and into the ramp. As I didn't feel safe, I told the box office clerk. Genuinely concerned, he decided to find the grinder to cut the lock. Before he did, he lifted and moved the bike so I could go home. He also told me of an exchange he had a few days prior. She was trying to tie her bike to the railing like they always do, and he told her that she's not allowed. She then tried to argue that her bike wouldn't be taking that much space at all plead and reason with him. I don't care, he ended abruptly- this  ramp is for wheelchairs. They don't get it- he said. They may not get it. But I'm happy that he does. See we may quote the rules, we may scare people with the law, I may even sue if I get injured. But people will never understand it and be considerate until they see that it actually serves a purpose. That there are people in wheelchairs that are trying to get in but can't. That same week I was at at The Top a popular Gainesville restaurant. They have male and female restrooms usually with some waiting time involved and one unisex cabin for wheelchairs. Whenever I go there, it's usually occupied and never by a person in a wheelchair. It's just convenient. But it's the only restroom that I can use in there. As I waited for my turn I asked the girl that was leaving it if there was a reason she used that one. 'There was a line to the others" she answered honestly. To her it was just another restroom. She didn't want to wait, so she decided to skip the line. She didn't know or care to think that accessible sign was there for a reason. And I use it because I don't have a choice. And there are conditions that require  getting to it pretty quickly. When I went there again that night I noticed that somebody vomited on the toilet seat. As I went to get the staff to clean it, somebody already went it. When it was my turn again, a girl was banging on the door for as long as I was inside. 'I thought you were changing or having sex in there'- she said-'Rude people hold them up all the time', ' But you're OK'. I didn't need her permission, as the bathroom was designed for me and not for her. It's amazing that she didn't get the irony or was shamed into going to a regular bathroom. So yes I did it. I said "I hope you don't have to use one of these for real one day"